You're My Best Friend

My dog is amazing. Not just because he is an American Golden Retriever with a gorgeous dark red coat and adorable fluffy blonde tail feathers, and not because he is regal and bursting with personality. I don't adore him because he pushes me to run faster on days when we hit the bike path together, or because he has his own stretching routine he does when I ask him if he is up for a run. I don't just admire him when he stops and sits to look both ways while waiting for me before he crosses a street, or the patient way he will sit back and watch silently when Bailey comes over and takes on all of his toys at once. It's not because of the darling way he pirouettes and prances around the kitchen when it's meal time, or the concerned way he bursts into the bathroom (because when you close that door, you are OBVIOUSLY in need of assistance!). It's not because of the determination that he applies when he is solving a serious problem, like how to get a second tennis ball in his mouth or get as many possible kibbles out of his Kong (which is accomplished by repeatedly dropping it down a flight of stairs).

I love my dog because he unconditionally cares about everybody in his life. He is genuinely excited to see friends and family when they come over, and he is always happy to see me when I come home. He is full of love and not afraid to shower us with affection. I love the way he sits at my feet and looks up at me begging to be petted, and the way he gently licks my wrist and sighs in happiness when I reach down to scratch his chest. And I love the way he looks at me as he creeps up toward my pillow when he wants to wake me up before my alarm goes off in the morning, like he knows he's interrupting something important but he doesn't understand how it could possibly be more important than his hungry tummy.

Don't get me wrong, he isn't an eternal bundle of sunshine, and he does occasionally bark at passers by from the safety of his bay window. When he is annoyed or grumpy with you, you definitely know it. He will ignore all conversation and sulk in the corner by the front door, and sometimes ring his bell incessantly just to let you know he is less than thrilled about whatever is going on. Sometimes he will sneak something off of the kitchen counter or a table, and leave it for you on the floor somewhere - which inevitably plagues his conscience enough that he grovels in apology when you find it. He mostly gets a little rebellious when he thinks he is too mature to need his leash and leader when we go for walks in the evening. He also has his moments when the weather is not fit to run outside and I abandon him in favor of the treadmill, or when it is 8:05 and you are severely delinquent in serving his 8:00 meal.

This summer his companionship has been invaluable to me. There is nothing that could ever replace the affection and unconditional support he has provided so liberally over these past few months. He has been energetic and excited with me on good days, and gentle and understanding on the more frequent bad days. I have so enjoyed watching the trust we have in each other grow as I get to spend one-on-one time with him, and he gets to accompany me on errands and visits. His Addisonian issues aside, Bosco has been a reliable source of joy in my life, and it is unfortunate that I can't express to him how genuinely I appreciate him. I know he understands that I adore him, and he definitely comprehends his dependence on us. But his eyes express confusion and disappointment when he has to stay home by himself, or when I enforce a rule he doesn't understand, and it breaks my heart. I wish he could fathom the depth of my gratitude for having him in my life, for he has permanently captured a piece of my heart, and inspires me daily to be more open and loving to people I care about.

One by One I Count Them...

"Blessings only come to those who notice." ~ courtesy of my Dove Dark foil this morning

Today is definitely a day to notice all of the things in my life I am grateful for. Jay, first of all, and his miraculous transformation since that night he ended up beneath the cab of a semi. We've gotten to spend a lot of time together this summer and I am amazed at the person he has become, and thankful for his friendship and support!

I am grateful for being born to two loving parents, who taught me the value of hard work and staying true to myself. I have never been hungry a day in my life, and have always had a comfortable bed to call mine. Their unconditional willingness to help me do anything constantly amazes me, and I am truly fortunate to be able to depend on them.

As difficult as it is to force myself through my regular workout routines, I am aware that I am physically able and healthy enough to push myself that way, which is definitely a blessing most of us take for granted.

I also have a deep affection for this planet we inhabit, specifically my beautiful mountains and Colorado Blue skies, and the coasts with their powerful and infinite rolling waves.

I am extremely fortunate that I have been privileged to explore other parts of the world, and I deeply appreciate my open mind and awareness of other cultures and life experiences.

On this day, in particular, after three homes next door were destroyed by a terrible fire, I am blessed that I have a house. It may be riddled with construction shortcuts that have complicated our time here, but it is mine. I have hot water and functional plumbing, which is not something everyone in the world can say. I also have a lovely dining room table that is frequently full of food and surrounded by people I love. We were very fortunate to escape any damage from the flames, heat, smoke, water and foam.

As uncomfortable as I feel like my life is at the moment, I am extremely blessed to be where I am, and to have been where I have.

You Look Good in Orange

A few weeks ago I noticed a crispness in the air while Bosco and I were on a morning walk. My first thought was that Fall has announced its intentions, which was followed by the thought that it is only August and we should still be in the midst of summer heat and pool days and barbecues. This thought process led me to erupt with joy at the thought that I actually get to experience Autumn this year!

After two tortuous extended triple-digit seasons in Phoenix, I will once again get to experience the joys of the Fall season. This includes crock-pot comfort foods like chili and hearty pasta sauces loaded with end-of-summer veggies, spiced cider and mulled wine, the glorious colors that the aspens and oaks bring to Colorado, Halloween decorations, and sweaters, scarves, and pea coats! I am enjoying summertime but these ideas are more appealing than usual to me, so I can't say I will be sad when the change of seasons brings cooler weather and cloudy days.

I am not excited about the early arrival of football season, however. Losing Sundays isn't something I have ever been enthusiastic about, but having all day to myself when Brian is at work just makes eliminating his company on one of the weekend days even less appealing. After six years you'd think I'd have found something to take up my time for that quarter of the year. Any suggestions for fun(affordable) things to do on Sundays in the winter?

I'm not opposed to being a fan and rooting for your team, or even attending a few games. The Bronco's used to be good, and used to be fun to watch. My main beef with pro sports is that they are strictly commercial enterprises. But there are millions of suckers out there who will pay $200+ for entrance into a stadium to be hounded by advertisements, fork out another $40+ for beer and sodium-laden stadium treats, and scream for a couple of hours at athletes who get paid ridiculous sums of money to strut around on a field wearing spandex embroidered with their biggest sponsor's logo.

OK, Back to anticipating the upcoming joys of Autumn - like getting wrapped up to go out and enjoy the fresh air and fall colors! At the rate time is flying in my world, it's literally just around the corner. I think that I might actually be ready for this change!

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere...

The past month has been pretty rough. The realization that there is literally no reason to get out of bed in the morning took a fairly intense physical toll on me. Not to mention recognizing that there is nobody in the world who is concerned about that. Wait, you say, aren't you currently looking for a job? Isn't that enough of a reason to get up and face the new day? No, "looking for a job" is not motivation, because submitting an application after devoting several hours to perfect the resume, cover letter, and requested information only leads me to wonder why I wasted the time when I know I won't hear back from them.

People seem to think that as soon as I get hired to do something - even if it is simply volunteering to help with development begging donations for a non-profit - I will snap out of this funk that I have fallen into since I moved back to Boulder. I guess that I appear to be struggling with too much free time, but I am afraid with all my heart that my solution is not as simple as finding a job - which is nothing short of a humiliating full-time endeavor.

This summer of free time has led to some pretty deep soul-searching. There are three elements that I have been trying to integrate, and as of yet have been unsuccessful: the life that I lead and the person I was before I started my MBA, the person I became independently at Thunderbird while I was working toward specific expectations, and the ideal image of myself and my life that I have developed trying to figure out my priorities and aspirations.

Coming back to this world I left two years ago, I definitely do not fit into this network of people and responsibilities I used to cherish. They are focused on the same things they were two years ago and expect me to be the same person, and I'm just not. I've struggled with having different interests and priorities that aren't understood or respected. At the same time that I am struggling to balance the person and I am expected to be here with the person I have become on my own, I'm trying to find a job that will suit the person I hope to become. It is becoming obvious to me that the reality I'm living is not compatible with the goals and aspirations I have dreamed up over the past two years.

I initially decided that I needed to focus on creating the life that I want. But the more effort I put into finding a job that I want to do, and figure out what it will take to achieve my "dreams," the more I see that I can't create my life when it already exists. I need to accept this reality, and shape it instead, because the life I imagine being ideal for me will not fit the pieces of my life that I am trying to carry at this time.

So with a re-visioned perspective of the limited potential in my future, I am diving back into the seemingly infinite search for employment.

For Me, Formidable

Today it has officially been three months since I was awarded my MBA. Three months of searching for myself, for a job, my true dreams, and what elements are important to create the life I imagine for myself. Three months of feeling inadequate in addition to the guilt of not being a contributing member of my family.

This past week I had several phone interviews, a meeting about a fundraiser, and the installation of a brand new screen door(4 years later, we might finally have some circulation!). On Monday morning, I began to make a list of the people I needed to contact for various reasons, tasks I have been procrastinating all summer, appointments I needed to remember and details for upcoming weddings I need to tend to. Lightbulb - cue the big black planner! Amazingly, all of the things I wrote down have been completed this week. However, I discovered that my planner has eleven completely blank weeks in it!

During school, I lived and breathed by my not-so-little bound calendar. Yes, I do understand the smartphone phenomenon, and can appreciate the “synch” mechanism that unites notes and appointments from your computer and email into a handheld calendar that rides in your pocket and alerts you five minutes before you need to be someplace. However, it was never effective for me. I was only organized and responsible about scheduling group meetings and making appointments when I could look at my whole week, and physically write down a place and time. The handy pockets also kept me on top of my game, reliably holding stamps, miscellaneous paperwork that seemed to be necessary everywhere at Thunderbird, and receipts. This kinetic behavior was accompanied by daily lists of to-do’s that were prioritized by project deadlines, upcoming events, and marketing timelines, as well as endless sticky notes pasted randomly with reminders and ideas. Type A, much? Ha! Yet somehow I have survived the past eleven weeks without using my planner or writing out a single list.

Admittedly, I am more prone to productivity when I have multiple responsibilities to balance – I have always operated that way. But my reunion with my planner has put several things in perspective. Yes, I do just fine without being neurotic with logistics and details. But, I will excel in an environment that appreciates my keen sense of organization. It also begs the question: which is more motivating, a blank calendar, or a full to-do list?

I love you from your toes to your face!

Heather and her adorable 8-month-old son Isaiah came to visit for a week. They are considering relocating to Colorado, and we explored most of the Denver metro area looking at potential communities. The week also included a trip up to Steamboat where Heather did some networking with Colorado optometrists, and Isaiah and I got to hang out in town and enjoy the beautiful summer.

After falling head-over-heels when I met him in January, I was definitely running low on my drool-quotient! He's not quite crawling yet, but he's mastered the raspberry and has a very healthy set of lungs. He also doesn't seem to be afraid of anything, aside from sleep. He got along great with Bosco, and his first experiences swimming were seemingly successful. He met most of

my family, and was quite the little entertainer.

Here are some heart-to-heart conversations with Isaiah I just couldn't keep to myself. I can't wait to see all of the exciting things he'll have discovered by the next time I see him! I am guessing he'll have a couple of teeth(and some favorite foods), and be more mobile and independent, for better or worse. And laughing - the joy that is evident when he smiles is

contagious, but his laughter is true nirvana.

Hanging out with Isaiah taught me many things, including:

• Bosco's toys are awesome, especially the ones that make noise
• Clothing is technically optional
• Everything is better when it is covered with saliva
• Speak your mind if at all possible
• Sometimes a hug is just not as comforting as food
• The tone in which you say something can matter more than what you say
• I am not ready for motherhood!

Insomniac

In the three days since we returned from a not-so-relaxing family Fourth of July, I have been exhausted and had zero motivation to do anything but sleep. I don't know if it's due to the perpetual naps, my discovery of a marathon of Mark Feuerstein's most recent medical drama, or the fact that I have less than 24 hours to design and create Amy's cake, but I am wide awake! I know it's been ages since my last post, but I need an outlet and decided that tonight is an appropriate time to pick this up again.

My insomnia could also be related to the heavy heart I have been carrying around for weeks. As a dear friend phrases it, we spent our last trimester racing to finish off our MBA's, and graduation was like a brick wall we bounced off of without actually processing the experience. Being dumped back into my "old" life and trying to pick up family and friend connections where we left off is much more difficult than I ever expected. Not necessarily because things in Boulder have changed, but more that I have changed and this world is still the same. Additionally, grieving the separation from my Thunderbird family has been excruciating, and distances seem to grow every day. Not to mention the fact that since the middle of May my life has had no purpose other than feeding my husband, cleaning the house, and applying for jobs. Which, if you know anything about me, is also excruciating!

Unfortunately I have been struggling with the fact that I can't identify many people in my life who do truly understand me. I'm trying to decide if the past two years have initiated revolutionary changes in how I see the world and relate to people, or if they have just revealed the nature of those operations and expectations to me. Either way, I can't escape my disappointment in "friends" who seem to be so wrapped up in their own lives that I see them easily forget that there are other people in this world. That is such a foreign concept for me, because I have always been continually aware of who in my life needs support or has a joy to celebrate. If I can be honest with myself, the profound joy I experienced at Thunderbird instilled in me a hope and confidence that I have a place in the Universe, and am on a path to find it. But since I got back to Boulder and have been able to seriously focus on what I want to do with my life, I have been seeking that joy and missing it. My patience has started to wear thin, and I am seriously doubting my place in this world...