Insomniac

In the three days since we returned from a not-so-relaxing family Fourth of July, I have been exhausted and had zero motivation to do anything but sleep. I don't know if it's due to the perpetual naps, my discovery of a marathon of Mark Feuerstein's most recent medical drama, or the fact that I have less than 24 hours to design and create Amy's cake, but I am wide awake! I know it's been ages since my last post, but I need an outlet and decided that tonight is an appropriate time to pick this up again.

My insomnia could also be related to the heavy heart I have been carrying around for weeks. As a dear friend phrases it, we spent our last trimester racing to finish off our MBA's, and graduation was like a brick wall we bounced off of without actually processing the experience. Being dumped back into my "old" life and trying to pick up family and friend connections where we left off is much more difficult than I ever expected. Not necessarily because things in Boulder have changed, but more that I have changed and this world is still the same. Additionally, grieving the separation from my Thunderbird family has been excruciating, and distances seem to grow every day. Not to mention the fact that since the middle of May my life has had no purpose other than feeding my husband, cleaning the house, and applying for jobs. Which, if you know anything about me, is also excruciating!

Unfortunately I have been struggling with the fact that I can't identify many people in my life who do truly understand me. I'm trying to decide if the past two years have initiated revolutionary changes in how I see the world and relate to people, or if they have just revealed the nature of those operations and expectations to me. Either way, I can't escape my disappointment in "friends" who seem to be so wrapped up in their own lives that I see them easily forget that there are other people in this world. That is such a foreign concept for me, because I have always been continually aware of who in my life needs support or has a joy to celebrate. If I can be honest with myself, the profound joy I experienced at Thunderbird instilled in me a hope and confidence that I have a place in the Universe, and am on a path to find it. But since I got back to Boulder and have been able to seriously focus on what I want to do with my life, I have been seeking that joy and missing it. My patience has started to wear thin, and I am seriously doubting my place in this world...