I think I'm moving but I go nowhere...

The past month has been pretty rough. The realization that there is literally no reason to get out of bed in the morning took a fairly intense physical toll on me. Not to mention recognizing that there is nobody in the world who is concerned about that. Wait, you say, aren't you currently looking for a job? Isn't that enough of a reason to get up and face the new day? No, "looking for a job" is not motivation, because submitting an application after devoting several hours to perfect the resume, cover letter, and requested information only leads me to wonder why I wasted the time when I know I won't hear back from them.

People seem to think that as soon as I get hired to do something - even if it is simply volunteering to help with development begging donations for a non-profit - I will snap out of this funk that I have fallen into since I moved back to Boulder. I guess that I appear to be struggling with too much free time, but I am afraid with all my heart that my solution is not as simple as finding a job - which is nothing short of a humiliating full-time endeavor.

This summer of free time has led to some pretty deep soul-searching. There are three elements that I have been trying to integrate, and as of yet have been unsuccessful: the life that I lead and the person I was before I started my MBA, the person I became independently at Thunderbird while I was working toward specific expectations, and the ideal image of myself and my life that I have developed trying to figure out my priorities and aspirations.

Coming back to this world I left two years ago, I definitely do not fit into this network of people and responsibilities I used to cherish. They are focused on the same things they were two years ago and expect me to be the same person, and I'm just not. I've struggled with having different interests and priorities that aren't understood or respected. At the same time that I am struggling to balance the person and I am expected to be here with the person I have become on my own, I'm trying to find a job that will suit the person I hope to become. It is becoming obvious to me that the reality I'm living is not compatible with the goals and aspirations I have dreamed up over the past two years.

I initially decided that I needed to focus on creating the life that I want. But the more effort I put into finding a job that I want to do, and figure out what it will take to achieve my "dreams," the more I see that I can't create my life when it already exists. I need to accept this reality, and shape it instead, because the life I imagine being ideal for me will not fit the pieces of my life that I am trying to carry at this time.

So with a re-visioned perspective of the limited potential in my future, I am diving back into the seemingly infinite search for employment.