All the Days that I Cost

I made it 173 days on the job-hunt before my first real panic attack. When I got back to Boulder this summer, I told myself that it would take at least three months to find a position that fit, and probably more with the current state of the economy. I was prepared for the blatant self-promotion and the pursuant rejections, and ready to suffer at becoming completely dependent on my husband. I took on more than my fair share of housework because I was home and it was convenient, and Brian's work days seem to be getting longer. I accepted my lack of a social life because of my isolation from human contact. I understood that there would be emotional ups and downs, and I prepared myself to brush off the negative associations and cling to the positive relationships and networks I could connect to.

But my first loan payment is due in two weeks, and I have nothing on the table. I had a really deep conversation this morning with a mentor about the power of staying positive and affirming to myself that I do have potential and will eventually find the perfect job, but the more I thought about it throughout the day the less positive I felt. By the time dinner was ready I was in tears and wondering what is wrong with me that I don't merit any form of response from companies I have applied to, and how I could have survived a rigorous MBA program without any skills that are applicable in today's society.

Upon being reminded that this country was built on the value of hard work, and that sometimes to make ends meet you don't get to choose what you do, I have considered just finding something to do. OK, I could wait tables - but who would hire me, with my limited restaurant experience from back in 1999? Nobody. I could go back to WS, or find another retail store I would enjoy, and could easily find a seasonal position with the OND season upon us. However, I don't know if I am willing to become a slave to the scheduling manger's whims, and give up every day my family will be expecting me to appear at. I could try to apply some of my education and look for students to tutor in French...or start advertising house-sitting services...or look for a part-time admin job in a doctor's office...and be completely thrilled that I am $100K in debt for no apparent reason.

But I need to be able to trust myself to continue the search for full-time work, that I have been focused on for the past two years, and try to make the most of the tools I have acquired. Much easier said than done!