I think I'm moving but I go nowhere...

The past month has been pretty rough. The realization that there is literally no reason to get out of bed in the morning took a fairly intense physical toll on me. Not to mention recognizing that there is nobody in the world who is concerned about that. Wait, you say, aren't you currently looking for a job? Isn't that enough of a reason to get up and face the new day? No, "looking for a job" is not motivation, because submitting an application after devoting several hours to perfect the resume, cover letter, and requested information only leads me to wonder why I wasted the time when I know I won't hear back from them.

People seem to think that as soon as I get hired to do something - even if it is simply volunteering to help with development begging donations for a non-profit - I will snap out of this funk that I have fallen into since I moved back to Boulder. I guess that I appear to be struggling with too much free time, but I am afraid with all my heart that my solution is not as simple as finding a job - which is nothing short of a humiliating full-time endeavor.

This summer of free time has led to some pretty deep soul-searching. There are three elements that I have been trying to integrate, and as of yet have been unsuccessful: the life that I lead and the person I was before I started my MBA, the person I became independently at Thunderbird while I was working toward specific expectations, and the ideal image of myself and my life that I have developed trying to figure out my priorities and aspirations.

Coming back to this world I left two years ago, I definitely do not fit into this network of people and responsibilities I used to cherish. They are focused on the same things they were two years ago and expect me to be the same person, and I'm just not. I've struggled with having different interests and priorities that aren't understood or respected. At the same time that I am struggling to balance the person and I am expected to be here with the person I have become on my own, I'm trying to find a job that will suit the person I hope to become. It is becoming obvious to me that the reality I'm living is not compatible with the goals and aspirations I have dreamed up over the past two years.

I initially decided that I needed to focus on creating the life that I want. But the more effort I put into finding a job that I want to do, and figure out what it will take to achieve my "dreams," the more I see that I can't create my life when it already exists. I need to accept this reality, and shape it instead, because the life I imagine being ideal for me will not fit the pieces of my life that I am trying to carry at this time.

So with a re-visioned perspective of the limited potential in my future, I am diving back into the seemingly infinite search for employment.

For Me, Formidable

Today it has officially been three months since I was awarded my MBA. Three months of searching for myself, for a job, my true dreams, and what elements are important to create the life I imagine for myself. Three months of feeling inadequate in addition to the guilt of not being a contributing member of my family.

This past week I had several phone interviews, a meeting about a fundraiser, and the installation of a brand new screen door(4 years later, we might finally have some circulation!). On Monday morning, I began to make a list of the people I needed to contact for various reasons, tasks I have been procrastinating all summer, appointments I needed to remember and details for upcoming weddings I need to tend to. Lightbulb - cue the big black planner! Amazingly, all of the things I wrote down have been completed this week. However, I discovered that my planner has eleven completely blank weeks in it!

During school, I lived and breathed by my not-so-little bound calendar. Yes, I do understand the smartphone phenomenon, and can appreciate the “synch” mechanism that unites notes and appointments from your computer and email into a handheld calendar that rides in your pocket and alerts you five minutes before you need to be someplace. However, it was never effective for me. I was only organized and responsible about scheduling group meetings and making appointments when I could look at my whole week, and physically write down a place and time. The handy pockets also kept me on top of my game, reliably holding stamps, miscellaneous paperwork that seemed to be necessary everywhere at Thunderbird, and receipts. This kinetic behavior was accompanied by daily lists of to-do’s that were prioritized by project deadlines, upcoming events, and marketing timelines, as well as endless sticky notes pasted randomly with reminders and ideas. Type A, much? Ha! Yet somehow I have survived the past eleven weeks without using my planner or writing out a single list.

Admittedly, I am more prone to productivity when I have multiple responsibilities to balance – I have always operated that way. But my reunion with my planner has put several things in perspective. Yes, I do just fine without being neurotic with logistics and details. But, I will excel in an environment that appreciates my keen sense of organization. It also begs the question: which is more motivating, a blank calendar, or a full to-do list?

I love you from your toes to your face!

Heather and her adorable 8-month-old son Isaiah came to visit for a week. They are considering relocating to Colorado, and we explored most of the Denver metro area looking at potential communities. The week also included a trip up to Steamboat where Heather did some networking with Colorado optometrists, and Isaiah and I got to hang out in town and enjoy the beautiful summer.

After falling head-over-heels when I met him in January, I was definitely running low on my drool-quotient! He's not quite crawling yet, but he's mastered the raspberry and has a very healthy set of lungs. He also doesn't seem to be afraid of anything, aside from sleep. He got along great with Bosco, and his first experiences swimming were seemingly successful. He met most of

my family, and was quite the little entertainer.

Here are some heart-to-heart conversations with Isaiah I just couldn't keep to myself. I can't wait to see all of the exciting things he'll have discovered by the next time I see him! I am guessing he'll have a couple of teeth(and some favorite foods), and be more mobile and independent, for better or worse. And laughing - the joy that is evident when he smiles is

contagious, but his laughter is true nirvana.

Hanging out with Isaiah taught me many things, including:

• Bosco's toys are awesome, especially the ones that make noise
• Clothing is technically optional
• Everything is better when it is covered with saliva
• Speak your mind if at all possible
• Sometimes a hug is just not as comforting as food
• The tone in which you say something can matter more than what you say
• I am not ready for motherhood!

Insomniac

In the three days since we returned from a not-so-relaxing family Fourth of July, I have been exhausted and had zero motivation to do anything but sleep. I don't know if it's due to the perpetual naps, my discovery of a marathon of Mark Feuerstein's most recent medical drama, or the fact that I have less than 24 hours to design and create Amy's cake, but I am wide awake! I know it's been ages since my last post, but I need an outlet and decided that tonight is an appropriate time to pick this up again.

My insomnia could also be related to the heavy heart I have been carrying around for weeks. As a dear friend phrases it, we spent our last trimester racing to finish off our MBA's, and graduation was like a brick wall we bounced off of without actually processing the experience. Being dumped back into my "old" life and trying to pick up family and friend connections where we left off is much more difficult than I ever expected. Not necessarily because things in Boulder have changed, but more that I have changed and this world is still the same. Additionally, grieving the separation from my Thunderbird family has been excruciating, and distances seem to grow every day. Not to mention the fact that since the middle of May my life has had no purpose other than feeding my husband, cleaning the house, and applying for jobs. Which, if you know anything about me, is also excruciating!

Unfortunately I have been struggling with the fact that I can't identify many people in my life who do truly understand me. I'm trying to decide if the past two years have initiated revolutionary changes in how I see the world and relate to people, or if they have just revealed the nature of those operations and expectations to me. Either way, I can't escape my disappointment in "friends" who seem to be so wrapped up in their own lives that I see them easily forget that there are other people in this world. That is such a foreign concept for me, because I have always been continually aware of who in my life needs support or has a joy to celebrate. If I can be honest with myself, the profound joy I experienced at Thunderbird instilled in me a hope and confidence that I have a place in the Universe, and am on a path to find it. But since I got back to Boulder and have been able to seriously focus on what I want to do with my life, I have been seeking that joy and missing it. My patience has started to wear thin, and I am seriously doubting my place in this world...

Lucky to have been where I have been

It’s been about two weeks since we left, and we have pretty much settled into the Czech Management Center. We have had two different occasions to spend time in Prague, and I have really enjoyed exploring the city. I haven’t had time to really SEE anything, but I have gotten my bearings and have a good idea of things I want to devote time to as the semester goes on.

Class is ridiculous – I didn’t think it could get more difficult than last tri, but RBE was insane. Ten hours of lecture every day for six days, and then a “final exam” that took 7 hours and ended up at 9 pages. I learned a lot, and I really enjoy the subject matter, but it was too much at one time for my little brain. We had quite a celebration to be done with it this weekend!

Then we jumped straight into finance last night. There were five of us packed around our little kitchen table, reading and working through problems, and it is nice to be able

to settle into some sort of routine. Even if it means conversations alternate between where we are thinking about spending the weekend and how much it would cost to buy a put option on Apple stock.

The food has been decent – there are lots of local restaurants nearby that we have tried.

There is a Czech traditional one across the street that is pretty good. You have to be hungry, and in the mood for some fried meat and beef gravy though!

There is also a Greek place and a few places you can get pizza – which is always reliably delicious. And it is not expensive! I can get a full meal for less than 150 Ckz, which is about $7 with the current rates.

The weather has been crummy. It has snowed a few times and we have had several wet gray days. Wandering around the city isn’t as exciting when it is so chilly, but our professor seems to think that spring is right around the corner.

Dependence Day

Self-discovery #1:  I am fiercely independent.  It is extremely challenging for me to be in a position where I am reliant on other people.  However, I have surrounded myself with amazing friends, who have gone out of their way to ensure my sanity!

Ich Ben Ein Frankfurter!

After a sleepless, wildly entertaining weekend packed with four final exams and a dozen goodbyes, I got loaded up into three suitcases and made it to the airport. Brian was incredibly generous to haul two of them home with him(affectionately referring to it as My 95 lbs of crap). After such a crazy week leading up to this momentous departure, I was expecting rushing adrenaline and a pounding heart, but was surprisingly numb and exhausted. Alas, we said goodbye at gate A10 and I was the last passenger on the plane to Philly.

Our layover in Philadelphia was uneventful. We whined about the plane, enjoyed our last American meal, and visited the World Series trophy that was on display in the food court. Then we boarded our second plane, and settled in for a short night.

The dampness of the morning rush-hour in Frankfurt reminded me that I have spent the past month living on a few acres of paradise, and made me miss the intoxicating scent of the orange blossoms. But then I realized we were in Germany, and snapped out of my short-lived moment of missing Glendale.

We have been graciously welcomed into the family home of Phil, another student in our section. This place would inspire the purchasing department of Williams-Sonoma, replete with floor-length silk curtains, fresh tulips on every surface, an extra-large tiled waterfall-style shower, line-dried towels packaged with gross-grain ribbons, and an adorable miniature Cairn terrier named Molly. For breakfast we feasted on fresh breads and cured meats, cheeses and jams, and Italian espresso. It was amazing, and we are definitely counting our blessings.

We hopped on an early afternoon train downtown and Phillip showed us around Frankfurt, combining a history lesson with some cultural highlights. We walked through most of the downtown area, and took lots of pictures. We sampled a local restaurant and ended the afternoon with 3 litres of apfelwein, a regional beverage which I found to be quite harsh in contrast with the cider we discovered in Nantes.

Overall, the day was a huge success, and we are all struggling to make it past ten when our hosts say it will be acceptable to allow ourselves to sleep, in order to adjust to our new time zone. Tomorrow morning, we will be picking up one more Praha-bound Thunderbird at the Frankfurt airport and heading to the train station to catch the 8-hr train to the Czech Republic. I’m sleep-deprived and perhaps a little slap-happy, but find myself marveling at the fact that I am on a different continent than I was 12 hours ago. And this is only the beginning…