Let It Go

This is a big week for the Gustin family. My management consulting days are dwindling into single digits, we celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary as well as the fall equinox, and a new moon graced the sky. What a great time to reset intentions and set goals for the next few months!

One thing I've been struggling with this summer is the ability to cross something off my list and be done with it. I have gotten really good at procrastinating - I can fabricate a valid reason to justify putting off doing anything I am not 100% inspired by. Lately it's been hitting the send button, figuratively and literally. I'm not sure if it's my internal pursuit of "perfection" that is holding me back, but there are a lot of things I have been transferring from one list onto another each week. I work on it, but it's not quite ready, or I just don't feel like it's the exact message I want to send, or I get nervous about how others are going to perceive something - so I just put it on the back burner and expect that I will have an epiphany and find the right words. I know this is slowing me down, so I am making a concerted effort to dial back my expectations and be content with "good enough."

There are only so many times I can read a press release and find ways to improve it before the editing becomes a marginal use of my time. First impressions are critically important, but if it's just an email I should find a way to keep it simple and send a clear but concise introductory message. Letting an idea marinate for another 24 hours will not provide enough additional creative content to justify putting off the phone call another day.

Any time I waver about getting something accomplished enough that I could cross it off my list, I am going to give myself another 15 minutes to agonize over it and then let it go and move on to other things. We'll see how this goes...

Reluctantly Crouched at the Starting Line

I have reluctantly been forced to acknowledge the waning of Summer. Dusk is settling earlier each day, and this morning when Bosco and I stepped out for our morning jog there was barely light in the sky and I wished I had long sleeves on. Of course, by the time we looped back around to the driveway the sun was up and the chill had vanished, but it's only a matter of weeks before I will need to find a way to motivate myself out of bed in total darkness.

Generally the first signs of fall thrill me, but this summer has been such an intense time of transition that I am not quite ready to let it go. It has been the beginning of a new stage in my life that I want to honor. I think I am also reticent because the end of my first quarter means that this business is going to start ramping-up for real, and the quiet-strategic-planning time I have thus far invested will need to morph into put-everything-on-the-line time networking and promoting my services.

Out of all of the exciting aspects of starting out on my own, I have been the most nervous at the prospect of accepting full responsibility for sales. I have never had a gift for talking people into things - I have always been more of a listener. The challenge from here on will be to leverage everything I gather listening to potential clients and build strong professional relationships. I need to remember that ultimately my goal is to provide services that support their goals, and I am not trying to "sell" them anything that does not add value to their organization.

Perhaps we will have an extended autumn season this year, and I can make myself take time to relish this beautiful place in which we live while I slowly ease into the pressure of business development.

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere...

The past month has been pretty rough. The realization that there is literally no reason to get out of bed in the morning took a fairly intense physical toll on me. Not to mention recognizing that there is nobody in the world who is concerned about that. Wait, you say, aren't you currently looking for a job? Isn't that enough of a reason to get up and face the new day? No, "looking for a job" is not motivation, because submitting an application after devoting several hours to perfect the resume, cover letter, and requested information only leads me to wonder why I wasted the time when I know I won't hear back from them.

People seem to think that as soon as I get hired to do something - even if it is simply volunteering to help with development begging donations for a non-profit - I will snap out of this funk that I have fallen into since I moved back to Boulder. I guess that I appear to be struggling with too much free time, but I am afraid with all my heart that my solution is not as simple as finding a job - which is nothing short of a humiliating full-time endeavor.

This summer of free time has led to some pretty deep soul-searching. There are three elements that I have been trying to integrate, and as of yet have been unsuccessful: the life that I lead and the person I was before I started my MBA, the person I became independently at Thunderbird while I was working toward specific expectations, and the ideal image of myself and my life that I have developed trying to figure out my priorities and aspirations.

Coming back to this world I left two years ago, I definitely do not fit into this network of people and responsibilities I used to cherish. They are focused on the same things they were two years ago and expect me to be the same person, and I'm just not. I've struggled with having different interests and priorities that aren't understood or respected. At the same time that I am struggling to balance the person and I am expected to be here with the person I have become on my own, I'm trying to find a job that will suit the person I hope to become. It is becoming obvious to me that the reality I'm living is not compatible with the goals and aspirations I have dreamed up over the past two years.

I initially decided that I needed to focus on creating the life that I want. But the more effort I put into finding a job that I want to do, and figure out what it will take to achieve my "dreams," the more I see that I can't create my life when it already exists. I need to accept this reality, and shape it instead, because the life I imagine being ideal for me will not fit the pieces of my life that I am trying to carry at this time.

So with a re-visioned perspective of the limited potential in my future, I am diving back into the seemingly infinite search for employment.

Insomniac

In the three days since we returned from a not-so-relaxing family Fourth of July, I have been exhausted and had zero motivation to do anything but sleep. I don't know if it's due to the perpetual naps, my discovery of a marathon of Mark Feuerstein's most recent medical drama, or the fact that I have less than 24 hours to design and create Amy's cake, but I am wide awake! I know it's been ages since my last post, but I need an outlet and decided that tonight is an appropriate time to pick this up again.

My insomnia could also be related to the heavy heart I have been carrying around for weeks. As a dear friend phrases it, we spent our last trimester racing to finish off our MBA's, and graduation was like a brick wall we bounced off of without actually processing the experience. Being dumped back into my "old" life and trying to pick up family and friend connections where we left off is much more difficult than I ever expected. Not necessarily because things in Boulder have changed, but more that I have changed and this world is still the same. Additionally, grieving the separation from my Thunderbird family has been excruciating, and distances seem to grow every day. Not to mention the fact that since the middle of May my life has had no purpose other than feeding my husband, cleaning the house, and applying for jobs. Which, if you know anything about me, is also excruciating!

Unfortunately I have been struggling with the fact that I can't identify many people in my life who do truly understand me. I'm trying to decide if the past two years have initiated revolutionary changes in how I see the world and relate to people, or if they have just revealed the nature of those operations and expectations to me. Either way, I can't escape my disappointment in "friends" who seem to be so wrapped up in their own lives that I see them easily forget that there are other people in this world. That is such a foreign concept for me, because I have always been continually aware of who in my life needs support or has a joy to celebrate. If I can be honest with myself, the profound joy I experienced at Thunderbird instilled in me a hope and confidence that I have a place in the Universe, and am on a path to find it. But since I got back to Boulder and have been able to seriously focus on what I want to do with my life, I have been seeking that joy and missing it. My patience has started to wear thin, and I am seriously doubting my place in this world...