July 30, 2010

For Me, Formidable

Today it has officially been three months since I was awarded my MBA. Three months of searching for myself, for a job, my true dreams, and what elements are important to create the life I imagine for myself. Three months of feeling inadequate in addition to the guilt of not being a contributing member of my family.

This past week I had several phone interviews, a meeting about a fundraiser, and the installation of a brand new screen door(4 years later, we might finally have some circulation!). On Monday morning, I began to make a list of the people I needed to contact for various reasons, tasks I have been procrastinating all summer, appointments I needed to remember and details for upcoming weddings I need to tend to. Lightbulb - cue the big black planner! Amazingly, all of the things I wrote down have been completed this week. However, I discovered that my planner has eleven completely blank weeks in it!

During school, I lived and breathed by my not-so-little bound calendar. Yes, I do understand the smartphone phenomenon, and can appreciate the “synch” mechanism that unites notes and appointments from your computer and email into a handheld calendar that rides in your pocket and alerts you five minutes before you need to be someplace. However, it was never effective for me. I was only organized and responsible about scheduling group meetings and making appointments when I could look at my whole week, and physically write down a place and time. The handy pockets also kept me on top of my game, reliably holding stamps, miscellaneous paperwork that seemed to be necessary everywhere at Thunderbird, and receipts. This kinetic behavior was accompanied by daily lists of to-do’s that were prioritized by project deadlines, upcoming events, and marketing timelines, as well as endless sticky notes pasted randomly with reminders and ideas. Type A, much? Ha! Yet somehow I have survived the past eleven weeks without using my planner or writing out a single list.

Admittedly, I am more prone to productivity when I have multiple responsibilities to balance – I have always operated that way. But my reunion with my planner has put several things in perspective. Yes, I do just fine without being neurotic with logistics and details. But, I will excel in an environment that appreciates my keen sense of organization. It also begs the question: which is more motivating, a blank calendar, or a full to-do list?

July 29, 2010

I love you from your toes to your face!

Heather and her adorable 8-month-old son Isaiah came to visit for a week. They are considering relocating to Colorado, and we explored most of the Denver metro area looking at potential communities. The week also included a trip up to Steamboat where Heather did some networking with Colorado optometrists, and Isaiah and I got to hang out in town and enjoy the beautiful summer.

After falling head-over-heels when I met him in January, I was definitely running low on my drool-quotient! He's not quite crawling yet, but he's mastered the raspberry and has a very healthy set of lungs. He also doesn't seem to be afraid of anything, aside from sleep. He got along great with Bosco, and his first experiences swimming were seemingly successful. He met most of

my family, and was quite the little entertainer.

Here are some heart-to-heart conversations with Isaiah I just couldn't keep to myself. I can't wait to see all of the exciting things he'll have discovered by the next time I see him! I am guessing he'll have a couple of teeth(and some favorite foods), and be more mobile and independent, for better or worse. And laughing - the joy that is evident when he smiles is

contagious, but his laughter is true nirvana.

Hanging out with Isaiah taught me many things, including:

  • Bosco's toys are awesome, especially the ones that make noise
  • Clothing is technically optional
  • Everything is better when it is covered with saliva
  • Speak your mind if at all possible
  • Sometimes a hug is just not as comforting as food
  • The tone in which you say something can matter more than what you say
  • I am not ready for motherhood!

July 9, 2010

Insomniac

In the three days since we returned from a not-so-relaxing family Fourth of July, I have been exhausted and had zero motivation to do anything but sleep. I don't know if it's due to the perpetual naps, my discovery of a marathon of Mark Feuerstein's most recent medical drama, or the fact that I have less than 24 hours to design and create Amy's cake, but I am wide awake! I know it's been ages since my last post, but I need an outlet and decided that tonight is an appropriate time to pick this up again.

My insomnia could also be related to the heavy heart I have been carrying around for weeks. As a dear friend phrases it, we spent our last trimester racing to finish off our MBA's, and graduation was like a brick wall we bounced off of without actually processing the experience. Being dumped back into my "old" life and trying to pick up family and friend connections where we left off is much more difficult than I ever expected. Not necessarily because things in Boulder have changed, but more that I have changed and this world is still the same. Additionally, grieving the separation from my Thunderbird family has been excruciating, and distances seem to grow every day. Not to mention the fact that since the middle of May my life has had no purpose other than feeding my husband, cleaning the house, and applying for jobs. Which, if you know anything about me, is also excruciating!

Unfortunately I have been struggling with the fact that I can't identify many people in my life who do truly understand me. I'm trying to decide if the past two years have initiated revolutionary changes in how I see the world and relate to people, or if they have just revealed the nature of those operations and expectations to me. Either way, I can't escape my disappointment in "friends" who seem to be so wrapped up in their own lives that I see them easily forget that there are other people in this world. That is such a foreign concept for me, because I have always been continually aware of who in my life needs support or has a joy to celebrate. If I can be honest with myself, the profound joy I experienced at Thunderbird instilled in me a hope and confidence that I have a place in the Universe, and am on a path to find it. But since I got back to Boulder and have been able to seriously focus on what I want to do with my life, I have been seeking that joy and missing it. My patience has started to wear thin, and I am seriously doubting my place in this world...